All or nothing

All or nothing

I sat near the window pane, when the much needed breeze kissed across my face and I closed my eyes as my heart ached. I wished he had joined me for lunch but he was long gone now with nothing but a memory. I read and re-read the text messages he sent me a few hours ago stating all the reasons why we shouldn’t be together, and I digested every word and syllable causing my muscles to feel sore and my spirit heavy. In the heat of the moment I replied with such anger and hurt telling him that I didn’t want him either and how we were better off with other lovers. I knew I was piercing my own heart but what else could I say, I had always played victim in my past relationships begging for a man to stay with me feeling far  worst when he still left, so this time I decided I would be strong or at least pretend to be. God knew I felt my weakest, blaming myself for things not working out; after all this was my fourth lover.

Darnel was his name, tall, dark and handsome with a six pack that made me shiver whenever I thought about it. A few days ago we made love and I guess he already knew it was our last time because he made me climax all over the bedroom walls, floor and bathroom. He was a deacon at his church, the youngest actually 26 years old, was the most charming and  had women at the church always trying to get with him but none were successful. He prided himself on being a “godly, strong man” who exercised self control but all that talk were babbles when it came to me. My name is Charlene Jones, Chief Executive Manager at Excites Boutique, a 5’7, fair skinned beauty who’s an active member and PRO of the church’s Women Ministry. I knew our secret lifestyles were not pleasing to God but publicly we were the ideal christains, prayed, fasted danced, shout about and even spoke in tongues. We were both saved and wanted to honestly live a holy and pleasing life before God but like everyone else we had our weaknesses.

Darnel and I were acquaintances for a long time and he never showed no interest in me since I always went from relationship to relationship, he was my type but I always thought he was way too serious and always assumed he had a girlfriend.  It happened at one of our Sunday evening services that  he volunteered to drive me home since my car battery died, it was an interesting drive  filled with compliments and he finally conveyed his interest in me. I was flattered but my guard was still up from my past relationship so I refused to give him my number. He didn’t give up, every Sunday after service he met up with me to talk about the word and other spiritual topics, I was impressed and slowly my guard started coming down, so I gave him my number one afternoon. He acted like the happiest guy alive and he called me every night to talk about how my day was, my goals dreams and what my ideas and thoughts of marriage were. We got to know each other so deeply, he made it easy to open up and tell him deep details about myself, and the more we spoke about our expectations in marriage the more I pictured him as my husband. We were close for about three months and we had never gone out on a date, every time I brought it up he told me he was busy but we spoke every night so our connection still grew. When the fifth month came I started to feel we should make it official since I felt like I was his girlfriend, we spoke about everything referred to each other as “us” and “we” and we spoke of our future together and we always hung out after church but no one saw us as a couple just good friends but it felt like so much more to me.  So after bugging him so much about it he decided that we should go on a weekend camping trip together, knowing that I adore the outdoors and always wanted to go on a road trip I literally jumped on him at the idea. I packed my bag and we left the Saturday afternoon to the next town it was a 9 hour drive filled with laughter, fun, excitement, snacks and we had our first kiss.

We stopped at a viewing point facing the ocean and the sun was setting leaning against the car’s boot and he just unexpectingly captured my half open lips. It was such a magical moment since I liked him so much I felt tingly all over and I kissed him back with much passion and before long we were devouring each other’s mouth. We kissed every time after that, he said he liked my lips and my lips liked his and they were always joining. That night we slept at a cheap hotel on separate beds and I knew he wanted to make love but at that time I was terrified of getting pregnant and God wouldn’t be pleased I said, at that moment I was satisfied with just a deep kiss. He agreed to the same thing and so we didn’t have sex, the rest of the trip went by so fast. We were soon back home and before we said our good byes he kissed me and told me he loved me I smiled and told him I loved him too. It was six months and our talks over the phone continued this time it was filled with dirty talks,sexting,nude pictures  and ended with I love you’s, I felt  so in love and since we still spoke about one day getting married I let all my guard down and started masturbating while talking to him. Our talks about the word, praying and fasting ceased and more and more we lusted after each other. There were moments I would try to tell him we were doing something wrong but he told me if I wanted to be his girlfriend I would give all myself to him. I didn’t want to lose his love so I gave in.

He convinced me for hanging out at his home one afternoon, I would bring pop corn and we would watch Netflix, perfect time to cuddle I thought since we hadn’t hang since the trip. So I went over and we sat on the couch and watched about two movies when we started making out, everything in me wanted  to make love since we spoke about it every night ,I had seen pictures of his naked body and wanted to see it in person. He didn’t hesitate to strip me naked and did everything to me he spoke of over the phone, we were in love and nothing didn’t stop us from pleasuring each other, it was amazing. Afterwards we cuddled and it felt great, I didn’t feel guilty because he loved me and I was his girlfriend God would understand.

He made our relationship official the next day and every girl at church was shocked and many were envious, they wondered how I managed to get Darnel to commit since he was known for being picky I just shrugged and told them God had His way.

For the next couple of months I felt like wonder woman, dating the hottest guy at church, being the number one Boutique in the area and rumors were spreading that Darnel was planning to propose. We had been together for almost a year and I couldn’t picture being with anyone else.  We spoke of having children and Darnel often teased me of how I’d look once pregnant. Life was amazing; God had been good to me, though Darnel and I continued to have sex regularly, and many of the church’s members wanted to know if we did but we reminded them it weren’t their business.

We planned to move in together but the pastor was against it, stating he didn’t want any of his deacons shacking up, Darnel was upset but he didn’t want to go up against the pastor, so he started sneaking into my apartment on weekends. Those were wonderful moments but our relationship stated to feel grimy and based on nothing substantial. Moreover the people at the church started to observe changes in our behavior, and our ministries started to suffer because of our double life style.  I had myself convinced  that Darnel’s and I  love could pull through anything and as soon as we got married we would move out of that small town and pursue ministry in a better church. A few weeks went by and I didn’t hear from Darnel as much, he became super busy and I got convinced that he was seeing someone else, he told me he wasn’t but I just couldn’t make sense of his distance. Church folks started accusing us of fornicating and went as far as saying I was pregnant and Darnel didn’t want the child. I heard snickers and whispers whenever we spoke at the podium, no one seemed interested in what we had to say, some called us hypocrites and one sister told me to live the women group and being so upset that day I did and I never went back to that church.

Darnel came over one night and met me crying curled up in bed, he asked me what was wrong and I told him what happened, in the end he told me he had been feeling low and how he felt like God had given up on him, he said we should fix our lives, but I told him I loved him and we were not doing anything wrong, one thing led to another and we made love. The next morning when I rose he was gone; I tried calling and texting him but no answer. I was confused more than ever and I felt like I was going crazy if Darnel had left me, days went by and this morning he sent me the lengthy text.

I began to feel lower than dirt when I realized that I had given up my body to a man who didn’t love me but  used me to satisfy his lust, I felt betrayed, manipulated and to make it worst I felt like I deserved it, I felt like God was punishing me for disobeying His word. I was heartbroken, alone and depressed how was I to come out of this position when I had no one to turn to.

Written by

Laurna Guiste

This story or one similar is one of many women, women who have suffered hurt due to sleeping with a man who didn’t love them, wasn’t married or committed to them. It is a painful tale but a mistake made too often without thinking of the consequences. I’m not going to state details about how to love any man except how to love one man so deeply that we don’t fall into similar traps and that man is Jesus. Charlene could have saved herself the heart ache and depression if she had firstly honored God in her relationship and her body. Our bodies are the temple of the Holy Ghost and we are bought with a price, therefore we should glorify God in our bodies and in our spirit which are God’s, failure to do so will have consequences. However no man is perfect and we do err, God is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. When we feel alone and there is no one to turn to, God is indeed there and waiting to listen to our heart content and to heal us from our hurts. God loves us even when we don’t love or want Him.