Writers Space

Finding myself

Finding myself
I was in my early twenties, full of dreams and aspirations had a good job, family and friends that loved me and financial freedom. I was engaged to be married and about to pursue further education abroad. I was excited! I had my life all planned out:get my degree, married by twenty-four (24) then start my family by twenty-five (25). It was like a fairy-tale and a dream come true.I had this do not care attitude towards other people. Many said I was compawason (stooch) and did not interact with others. Truth is I was proud of myself and had a good reputation. I did not think I was stooch.
However, I was an introvert, either inside, by my fiance (now ex), by my mom or friend. I hardly partied. I could care less about others opinion of me. I was in my own world; Work, Love, Family, School. Most of my time was centered on my then boyfriend and I sometimes hardly visited family. Anyways, things started to change when I went to study. During my first semester I was missing home a lot and missing my then fiance. We started experiencing communication problems. He and I hardly communicated. Our times did not correspond and he was not into social media. At that time, blackberry was trending and I figured we could make things work but,it got worse and I started to feel neglected. I started to question a lot of things. I went home for Christmas and then the issues still continued. When things should be better they escalated.

I went back and the communication got worse. I decided to focus more on school and try to make myself happy. Unfortunately, this was difficult. I spent most nights crying and worrying. Weeks would pass before we communicated. I still did not let this affect my university experience. I mingled and went out to parties. I had the time of my life. To me, I was determined to make myself happy, about to get married and didn’t bother with the rest. I still had hope and was excited and had no idea what was coming my way.
I felt the urge to scream and shout just to disturb the peace to make myself feel better. I did not know why but this random feeling used to strike me. Who knows? Maybe it was the stress of life, school, boyfriend troubles, work issues, lack of self-actualization. Who knows?

In my final year I realized that I could not live like this. I studied harder and zoned out from everyone. I did much better also. This was my comfort – getting my degree and doing well. After I completed I came back home. It was then I made my decision to let go. We broke up. Then I thought to myself “everything happens for a reason, God is telling me something.”This was my first time being single for eight (8) years. Yes! Eight years! It was a new me, new adjustments. We had several altercations afterwards. I was still aggressive and didn’t bother with others.

I partied even harder. My friend had just gotten off a bad relationship so we partied together for six months. We were living the life, drinking, going on date’setcetera because we were single, free and disengaged.

In the beginning of 2013 I found a new friend whom I spoke to regularly and we grew closer. We spoke about so many things. We went on dates, laughed, smiled and although I wasn’t ready for a new man in my life we decided to start dating. It was good but we had our ups and downs because I still had trust issues. One day I felt like writing about my pain and I started blogging. I felt the need to share and help others to remain positive. I created a positive lifestyle blog in December.
Fast-forward 2014, my year started off bad. I kept reflecting on my past and what I have been through. It hurt a lot. Some stuff I regretted and I’m still trying to let go. I started to get all sicknesses, headache, gastritis, stomach pains coupled with work and financial stress. We had not gotten paid for three months. I had student loan payments due and insurance due and I still had to find my way to work. Even though my current boyfriend helped me I still worried about it. I hated being in such situation. A friend of mine told me to pray. I stayed home two days and prayed to God. I cried, I prayed. I even asked for space from my current boyfriend. I knew that no one could make me whole again but God. I eventually learned to deal with the stress at work. I still struggled financially but I was better. It started to dawn on me how I may have lost my way.

I was reflecting on my life and thinking that there is a void.I realized that I hadn’t been to church in a while. I was losing touch on what was important. I always had excuses: either I don’t have clothes or I was too tired or not in the mood. One day in May something clicked me. It’s like God spoke to me and told me I needed to change. I went to service and reflected on the preaching. This was the day I decided to change.
I found myself when I admitted I needed God. I was anxious to purchase a bible and start reading the word of God. I made the sacrifice and bought one. I asked questions and read everything on Christianity. As time progressed I felt less urge to engage in sin and ungodly things. I repented my sins and prayed more. I could feel a change. I longed for God’s word and to praise Him daily. I found a place of worship and will make it my priority always to give Him thanks and praise. God has saved me and I will soon be baptized. I no longer question things but let Him guide me. By His faith I shall live and I will spread the word.So far he has been blessing me. Everything is starting to work out for me. I found myself. Thank God! It is never too late to find yourself.

Written by
Bryn Elle
(Fellow Writer Friend of mine.please Enjoy and be motivated.)
You can check out her blog at http://www.brynelle.com

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