I was in my early twenties, full of dreams and aspirations had a good job, family and friends that loved me and financial freedom. I was engaged to be married and about to pursue further education abroad. I was excited! I had my life all planned out:get my degree, married by twenty-four (24) then start my family by twenty-five (25). It was like a fairy-tale and a dream come true.I had this do not care attitude towards other people. Many said I was compawason (stooch) and did not interact with others. Truth is I was proud of myself and had a good reputation. I did not think I was stooch.
However, I was an introvert, either inside, by my fiance (now ex), by my mom or friend. I hardly partied. I could care less about others opinion of me. I was in my own world; Work, Love, Family, School. Most of my time was centered on my then boyfriend and I sometimes hardly visited family. Anyways, things started to change when I went to study. During my first semester I was missing home a lot and missing my then fiance. We started experiencing communication problems. He and I hardly communicated. Our times did not correspond and he was not into social media. At that time, blackberry was trending and I figured we could make things work but,it got worse and I started to feel neglected. I started to question a lot of things. I went home for Christmas and then the issues still continued. When things should be better they escalated.
I went back and the communication got worse. I decided to focus more on school and try to make myself happy. Unfortunately, this was difficult. I spent most nights crying and worrying. Weeks would pass before we communicated. I still did not let this affect my university experience. I mingled and went out to parties. I had the time of my life. To me, I was determined to make myself happy, about to get married and didn’t bother with the rest. I still had hope and was excited and had no idea what was coming my way.
I felt the urge to scream and shout just to disturb the peace to make myself feel better. I did not know why but this random feeling used to strike me. Who knows? Maybe it was the stress of life, school, boyfriend troubles, work issues, lack of self-actualization. Who knows?
In my final year I realized that I could not live like this. I studied harder and zoned out from everyone. I did much better also. This was my comfort – getting my degree and doing well. After I completed I came back home. It was then I made my decision to let go. We broke up. Then I thought to myself “everything happens for a reason, God is telling me something.”This was my first time being single for eight (8) years. Yes! Eight years! It was a new me, new adjustments. We had several altercations afterwards. I was still aggressive and didn’t bother with others.
I partied even harder. My friend had just gotten off a bad relationship so we partied together for six months. We were living the life, drinking, going on date’setcetera because we were single, free and disengaged.
In the beginning of 2013 I found a new friend whom I spoke to regularly and we grew closer. We spoke about so many things. We went on dates, laughed, smiled and although I wasn’t ready for a new man in my life we decided to start dating. It was good but we had our ups and downs because I still had trust issues. One day I felt like writing about my pain and I started blogging. I felt the need to share and help others to remain positive. I created a positive lifestyle blog in December.
Fast-forward 2014, my year started off bad. I kept reflecting on my past and what I have been through. It hurt a lot. Some stuff I regretted and I’m still trying to let go. I started to get all sicknesses, headache, gastritis, stomach pains coupled with work and financial stress. We had not gotten paid for three months. I had student loan payments due and insurance due and I still had to find my way to work. Even though my current boyfriend helped me I still worried about it. I hated being in such situation. A friend of mine told me to pray. I stayed home two days and prayed to God. I cried, I prayed. I even asked for space from my current boyfriend. I knew that no one could make me whole again but God. I eventually learned to deal with the stress at work. I still struggled financially but I was better. It started to dawn on me how I may have lost my way.
I was reflecting on my life and thinking that there is a void.I realized that I hadn’t been to church in a while. I was losing touch on what was important. I always had excuses: either I don’t have clothes or I was too tired or not in the mood. One day in May something clicked me. It’s like God spoke to me and told me I needed to change. I went to service and reflected on the preaching. This was the day I decided to change.
I found myself when I admitted I needed God. I was anxious to purchase a bible and start reading the word of God. I made the sacrifice and bought one. I asked questions and read everything on Christianity. As time progressed I felt less urge to engage in sin and ungodly things. I repented my sins and prayed more. I could feel a change. I longed for God’s word and to praise Him daily. I found a place of worship and will make it my priority always to give Him thanks and praise. God has saved me and I will soon be baptized. I no longer question things but let Him guide me. By His faith I shall live and I will spread the word.So far he has been blessing me. Everything is starting to work out for me. I found myself. Thank God! It is never too late to find yourself.
(Fellow Writer Friend of mine.please Enjoy and be motivated.)
You can check out her blog at http://www.brynelle.com